Learning to Love
by xsilvershadowx
Summary: A emotionally scarred Harry finds himself more alone than ever when he is unable to relate to his friends. A physically abused Draco fears that he will never find an escape. Adult themes, Slash
1. Down on Life

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**Title: **Learning to Love

**Disclaimer: **J. K. Rowling and associates own these characters. I am writing this for fun and not profit.

**Rating: M **

**Pairings: **Harry/Draco

**Warnings: suicidal thoughts, abuse, homosexual relationships**

**Summary: **Harry is suicidal and dangerously close to the edge as he loses control over his expanding magical powers. Draco finds himself loosing strength after suffering at the hands of his manic father. Can the two boys find hope where there seems to be none?

**Author's Notes: **This is my first time back in the realm of Harry Potter fiction. Please leave your thoughts.

**Chapter One: Down on Life**

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_****_--HP--_**

Harry Potter the boy-who-lived, the sixteen-year-old who had been through so much, with such strength and optimism, held a single razor blade dangerously close to his left wrist. He slowly lowered the blade onto the bare skin right into a large blue vein just visible through the thin skin. He watched with an almost sadistic pleasure as the warm, red blood oozed out of the deepening cut smearing across the shiny silver metal of the razor and contrasting deeply against the smooth, slightly tanned skin of his forearm before dripping on to the shower floor below. As he watched the thick red liquid washed down his arm on to the slick ground of the shower, thinning and paling in color before swirling around the drain a couple of times and washing down with a splash of the cold, hard water. He smiled a tight lipped smile as he felt a small burden lifted from him. He felt as if his troubles were flowing out along with the sticky crimson blood. It was the most blissful feeling Harry could remember, but after it passed reality came swirling back in a wave of mixed emotion and pain. The pain of being Harry Potter. The pain that came with years of solitude and the knowledge that he would never be normal.

Harry sat staring at the razor blade for a moment or two more before he took it in his left hand, hoping to repeat the momentary release. The thin blade then sunk deep into his right wrist, more blood seeping out, further dulling the once brilliant shine silver of the blade, causing a single reflexive tear to drip down the boy's face, unnoticed in the downpour of icy water from the shower head. It went swirling down the drain with the rest of the tainted blood.

"Get out of the Bathroom BOY!" He heard Vernon shout, and the rickety old door slowly cracking due to his banging on it, "Dudley needs in." Harry sighed heavily and allowing the cold water to rinse the remaining blood off his wrists, wishing the bleeding would slow, as he began to feel lightheaded. As much emotional trama as Harry had felt over the past few months he did know with a bitter certainty that death wasn't what he desired. He just couldn't understand why.

"As if he can fit," Harry whispered half to himself. Dudley had indeed lost some weight over the previous summer, however Petunia, in order to make up for the lack of food she caused with the necessary diet, was feeding him anything and everything he wanted. As a result Dudley had grown to a size that rivaled the giant squid. Harry guessed that at one point in his life this would have frightened him; but not now. He was not afraid of his terrible excuse for a family any longer.

_**--DM--**_

Halfway across the country, a young blonde flew limply across a large, dark room into the course stonewall on the far side. His head hit a rough protruding stone with a sickening crack and as the boy slid down the wall, barely conscious, he left a trail of shining red blood. "You're a disgrace to the Malfoy name, you stupid son of a bitch!! How dare you let the Potter boy and his measly little, mudblood, scum-ridden friends best you!" The young blonde moaned softly, clearly in pain yet his father continued. "You. Are. A. Fucking. Malfoy. And Malfoys DO NOT LET pathetic muggle lovers best them" Lucius Malfoy lashed out at his son, watching the pain swelling in the steely silver-grey eyes.

The elder Malfoy pulled out his wand and whispered viciously "I think it's time for a lesson." At this Draco Malfoy tensed, waitng for the word he knew was coming. "Crucio" the elder Malfoy smiled slightly as he watched his only son collapse on the ground writhing with a pain like thousands of white hot knives slicing him from the inside out. After a couple minutes the boy on the ground mercifully passed out and his father walked out of the room growling and kicking angrily at a nearby house elf, "You can't even take a little pain, bloody hell, even that fucking savior child can!"

__

_**--HP--**_

Harry sat up late into the night troubled by his thoughts and memories. When he finally drifted into a fitful sleep, his dreams were littered with horrifying nightmares haunted by his memories of Lord Voldemort's rebirthing, their last meeting, and the lingering pain from Sirius's death.

His emerald eyes snapped open, as he was jolted from a particularly nasty nightmare, by the searing pains in his now glowing scar. None of this was new however. Harry had had only sporadic, restless sleep since the beginning of summer vacation. He groaned and rolled over so that he could see the clock; it was only 4:30, but Harry didn't feel like sleeping; He knew sleep would only bring back the memories so much more vividly than he saw them in his waking hours. Instead, he rolled out of bed, shivering as his feet hitting the cold wooden floor and walked over to his desk where his Transfiguration assignment was still laying, half finished. Their Professors had given them a great deal of work, and for the first time Harry was truly thankful. It was a much needed distraction. Harry dropped, gracelessly into the empty desk chair, and stared blankly at the paper. He wasn't focused on the assignment. His thoughts were traveling back to his dream. It had been different this time. All of Voldemort's most recent victims came swirling around him, asking him why he didn't save them. He should have been able to, able to conquer the Dark Lord. He was the boy-who-lived.

In an attempt to distract himself he pulled out a large book he'd found wrapped in brown paper and tied with packaging rope, and hidden under a loose board in one of the library bookcases. The old cover still had a new look to it. It didn't appear to be used much, so the writing on the front of it was easily read. 'Life for a Hogwarts Student - by the Marauders: Moony, Prongs, Padfoot and Wormtail. It had great stories about his father, godfather, former Professor, and his mortal enemy's right hand during their days at school. He learned a ton about the school, and about his father. Learning so much about his father sent him into another downward spiral of depression. While reading it he came across magical copies of all the potentially dangerous spell the four managed to work out. The one he was particularly interested in was for becoming animagi. The book held every note the marauders had found in their years of research. With this much information even Neville could pull it off! All Harry had to do was talk Hermione into it. Yet, by now Harry had gotten bored with memorizing every last word in the section labeled Animagus, so he looked and looked for other spells he could perform when the school year started. There were tons of dueling tricks in it, but Harry quickly picked his favorites - a spell to turn any curse away, and one that made twelve exact copies of you, and made your enemy guess which body was the real you. Harry figured they'd both come in handier then making someone's toenails turn neon pink or pastel blue. Harry flipped to the back page, one that Harry had never looked at before, it had their entire graduating class. The students were listed by their house, so he automatically read all the names of the Gryffindors, all four marauders were there, but Harry saw no sign of his mother. He leaned back staring at the page in confusion, when her name jumped out at him.

LILY EVANS - Head Girl

This wasn't the news that hit Harry so hard. It was where his mother's name was listed. She was a Slytherin!

Just then, a small rapping came from the glass window on the other side of the room. A small ball of fluff was repeatedly ramming its tiny beak into the glass, bouncing back and trying again, as if he'd be able to break through it. Harry had a shot of much needed amusement before opening the window to allow the owl to drop a letter on his bed, zoom around, and land beside Hedwig, who once again, looked at Pig, 

disgusted by his behavior. Harry just chuckled at Pig's antics, and opened the thick envelope. Three papers fell onto his bed. He picked up the first parchment, and vaguely took note of what it said,

_Harry, _

_How's your summer? I'm a little worried that I haven't heard from you yet, but I'm doing great! Fred and George have been spending tons of time in their room, and we've been hearing even more explosions then normal, I hope they make something to turn people into slugs, like Malfoy and his goons-that was funny! Mom knows they're up to something, but hasn't bothered to bug them about it. Dumbledore finally decided it would be safe for you to leave the awful Dursleys. Tonks said I could come with them to get you (around eight on the fifteenth), but my Mum said we have to stay home for sometime this year, because we might be being watched, and Moody said no to the whole idea, and he's head of your security. Too bad. We should be able to come over sometime after you get there though! Oh yeah! You know Fred and George said they got headquarters in Diagon Alley right, well, they've been letting me work for them, and they've been making amazing profits. I'm mighty glad you gave them that money, I swear they are geniuses. Don't tell them I said that though, they'll get even bigger heads then they have already. _

_See you soon, _

_Ron _

Harry glanced at the calendar, and noticed that it was already the 15th and wondered if the short notice was Ron's fault or Pig's. He picked up the second paper, leaving the last one unnoticed where it had fallen and glanced at the handwriting on it

_Harry! _

_Thanks again mate! We're making loads of money, and we don't know if Ron told you, but he's working in the store this summer. Oh, and Mum was angry when we dropped school before the end of the year, and she still doesn't know how we're making all the money, but we're not too worried about her, and we don't think that she's going to make a big deal out of it since it's safer than working with the Order of the Pheonix. We hope you are doing okay, not doing anything we wouldn't, you need to keep your spirits up! _

Harry gave a hollow laugh, that's a good one. I don't even want to live my life anymore.

_Well, we'll talk to you later. Thanks and stay safe, _

_Fred and George _

Harry sighed and started throwing things into his trunk, so he'd be ready when the Weasley's arrived.

--_**DM**__--_

A small figure with unusually large ears walked carefully down the long dark hallway. It stopped at a large wooden door. It carefully balanced the tray of food she was carrying on one hand and used the other to knock on the door. The door slowly creaked open and the person within immediately ordered 

the elfin creature to quickly set the plate on his table and leave. The small thing obeyed and left the young blonde to his food.

Food was not, however, on the boy's mind at the moment. His thoughts were filled with hatred toward everyone and everything, and about how pointless his life was. With his knees pulled in tight to his chest and his head leaned against the hard wood of his bed post the frail body shivered as he felt the same, fragile and fleeting peace that the dark haired boy had enjoyed just hours earlier. He often wondered what his purpose was. Why was he banished to a life of beatings and ruthless attacks on his innocence. Absentmindedly, as he thought, he gently wiped the remaining blood from his wrists, wishing someone would save him from himself and his father. His thoughts wandered to a pair of emerald green eyes as his own vision began to blur. It was not long before he became light headed and passed out, from a mixture of emotional pains and lack of blood.

Several hours later, a young Malfoy woke up on the floor to his room, bruised and haunted by memories of his father's beatings. He cringed in complete agony as his body was still throbbing with pain from the many beatings he'd received since returning home. The pain never seemed to leave. There were times, increasing in frequency, that he wished he wasn't a wizard so that he would have died by now. Draco lifted his head off the ground, "Master Draco?" a tiny, high-pitch voice questioned from right outside the door. "Twinkie is wanting to make sure Master Draco got enough food."

"Come on in, Twinkie." The blonde croaked, pulling himself with great difficulty, back into a sitting position, as the small elf entered his room. In Draco's opinion Twinkie was the only creature in the house who was worth his time. She was obviously the only one who gave a damn. She was wearing a nice green and silver tea towel, the mark of a Malfoy house elf, and carrying a tray of food and a glass of pumpkin juice. She smiled at her master, and set the tray down in front of him. "Thank you"

"Twinkie is happy to help!" She squeaked. "Is Master Draco okay?" Twinkie eyed his cuts and bruises, particularly the one across the bridge of his nose, which looked as if it would scar, "Twinkie saw what happened, she saw what master Lucius did to him. Twinkie wants to help."

"I'm okay Twinkie." the young schoolboy grimaced, as he lied and sent his elf on her way. He pulled himself to his feet and walked slowly and painfully to his mirror, glancing in it sadly, closed his grey eyes, and a sparkly tear drop trickled down his marred face, leaving a opalescent trail where it slid. It ran into a deep gouge on his chin and he winced in pure agony, not blinking, forcing the tears of pain welling in his eyes to swell over his lashes, dripping to the floor below.

_One of these times he needs to just finish me off, then it can't hurt anymore. No one would care, it would be a dream for Potter._ Draco thought bitterly.

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**Please Review! **


	2. Wanted: Control

**********Title: Learning to Love**

**Disclaimer: **J. K. Rowling and associates own these characters. I am writing this for fun and not profit.

**Rating: M **

**Pairings: **Harry/Draco

**Warnings: suicidal thoughts, abuse, homosexual relationships**

**Summary: **Harry is suicidal and dangerously close to the edge as he loses control over his expanding magical powers. Draco finds himself loosing strength after suffering at the hands of his manic father. Can the two boys find hope where there seems to be none?

**Author's Notes: **This is my first time back in the realm of Harry Potter fiction. Please leave your thoughts.

**Chapter Two: Wanted - Control**

_**--HP--**_

Harry looked up at the faces now surrounding him. They all appeared in a reddish haze as he found himself unable to muster the effort to focus his eyes on any one person long enough to discern who the face belonged to. He knew that the Weasleys meant well, but their fussing was really only draining him of the little energy that he had left after they made their way to the Burrow earlier that evening. The trip was once again headed by the overly cautious Mad-Eye Moody, so Harry had been on his broom for what seemed like days; he really didn't feel like doing anything beyond brooding and sleeping. He sighed and allowed Molly to fill his plate with three or four helpings of dinner, and began to pick at the food set before him; but he kept extremely quiet as they all ate. He heard Ron and Hermione, who were seated on either side of him, talking quietly in his direction and tried to ignore their pestering. He settled his head in his hands and tried to find solace.

"Harry, please just talk to us. We know what you must be going through; just let us help you." Hermione's somewhat soothing voice broke Harry's turbulent peace, causing him to bite back his sharp words. He really didn't want to talk, and he didn't want sympathy on things that his friends clearly would never be able to understand. They both had their parents. Neither one had witnessed death. Neither one had seen Voldemort, either at his return or in the Ministry. Neither one of them had dealt with a loss like Sirius.

He took a deep, shaking breath before responding to his friends. "Please, Ron, Hermione, I know that you want to help," he started carefully, knowing that despite his obvious it would not be well to push them away, "but I need time to be by myself. I don't think anyone could understand how I feel right now, and therefore I just need to deal with it myself." _Just like everything else that is put on me_, he added to himself before blocking everything surrounding him out once more.

He knew that it wasn't fair of him to discount his friends' ability to sympathize with him, after all they had helped him through much of what he went through, and they were there at the Ministry, but somehow he knew he couldn't expect that of them much longer. He knew he was headed towards a future he would have to face alone.

_**--DM--**_

Narcissa Malfoy had snuck down the hall towards her son's room, fear filling her frail body despite the fact that her husband had left on some sort of business. It was always her job to clean up her son and prepare him for school after her husband's actions, but this year was definitely different. She never felt the need to fight for better treatment for her son, but she had also never heard screams of the nature she did the past week. Just because she felt the need to help, however, definitely did not mean that she would intervene. That was just not her place. And Lucius Malfoy was not a man to be messed with.

When she finally reached the desired room, she found her only son bruised and bloodied, but sleeping peacefully on his bed. She silently summoned one of her personal house elves demanding the proper potions to be added to the boy's meals, which should be more substantial than what her husband provided as well. She started out the door, but then turned to cast a few healing charms before finally walking out. She liked it better when he didn't see her helping.

_**--HP--**_

Harry spent the next few days busying himself with tasks around the Burrow. He allowed Mrs. Weasley to try to distract him from everything with washing the breakfast dishes, cleaning the chicken coop and even with pulling weeds in the garden. He knew that she would normally frown on Harry doing so much work around her house, but he had shown sufficient reason to create these distractions. She was very much like a mother to him, and he knew that this was her way of allowing him space from the other young adults.

All the distractions, however, did not do a thing to ease the pain that Harry was feeling; he had lost his parents when he was one and now he lost the closest thing to a father he had known. He couldn't get beyond the trembling feeling in the pit of his stomach, telling him that the longer he stayed with the Weasley family the more danger he was putting them in. He had known since his first year at Hogwarts that danger tended to follow him. Still, he was beginning to realize the true nature of the dangers in which he put those around him, especially with Voldemort's rebirth and rising.

He knelt over the rough patch of earth in the garden, pulling a particularly tough weed from the ground with more force than was actually necessary. He felt the familiar anger welling up within his chest; it made him want to scream or cry or lash out in some other equally unacceptable way. Instead he attempted to bottle up the emotions that were shaking his very being, ignoring the fact that his magic was beginning to spring up, swirling around him in a way that he had never felt before, a way that he didn't know was possible. At that moment he pricked his finger on a sharp thorn and simultaneously felt his emotions level out to an extent and watched a drop of blood form on the offending finger.

This startled Harry as he felt the sudden ability to control the swirling power that was radiating from him. He stood staring at the prick on his finger and recalling the anger that he had felt, this time controlling it and realizing, after a stab of curiosity, that the ebbing power became uncontrollable when he felt his emotions getting away from him. The chilling reality of what this could mean seemed to sweep over Harry as he thought about his anger towards his friends the past school year, when the stress of his position was getting to him.

_**--DM--**_

Draco woke up early the morning after his mother's visit, feeling far better than he had when he fell asleep. He noticed the tray of food on the night stand and began eating immediately. He knew that he needed to eat and try to be healthy so that he could recover before he returned to school. He was sure that his mother wouldn't try to help very much, because she feared the consequences it would bring on herself. But as he sipped the pumpkin juice he noticed the pain in his head and back ebbing away, and the bruises fading slowly. He briefly thanked his mother for the gift, before realizing with a twinge of sadness that if she had done such that it was likely more for her husband's benefit.

The idea that his mother was too afraid to stand up to his father for him shook Draco. He had avoided thinking about why she may not be coming to his rescue, but now that she was finally doing a small thing to help him he was stung by the reality that it was likely more to protect her husband. He pushed away the rest of his food, suddenly not hungry, and stood up. He gingerly crossed his room to the large window on the other side and gazed out of it for a few minutes before he found himself needing to sit again.

He pulled himself, with some difficulty, onto his window sill and tucked his knees to his chest staring out his window. He sat there thinking about what the school year would bring, and hoping that his father would not return until the term had started and he was gone. He didn't want to chance another encounter.

_**--HP--**_

Harry had finished pulling the weeds without further incident, attempting – quite in vain – to forget the appearance of this new power he seemed to have developed as well as the potential consequences. After he finished the task he found himself standing in a cold shower, focusing on how he could best control his emotions. This had never been his strong suit; everyone who knew Harry Potter knew that he was head strong, overly emotional and could be counted on to follow his instincts over logic. This is why Harry had failed so spectacularly with the art of Occlumency; he just couldn't shut himself off from the world, despite years at the Dursley's.

As his mind flitted over the Dursley's a different kind of emotion filled him, causing the shower to run hot on his back and the air to crackle as if it was a sick laugh. This alone startled Harry enough to freeze that train of thought. He focused the entirety of his will power on shutting down this uncontrollable part of his magic, and he realized that if he maintained a strong mental wall the magic around him would return more to normal. He didn't know how long that would last, but he hoped it would at least disguise the strange phenomenon through dinner. He didn't want any questions.

He had also sat quietly through his meal and tried to make some idle conversation as he joined the family in the living room for a short time after dinner. It wasn't long, however, until he had stood and announced that he was headed to bed. The energy that it took to keep that wall up was draining him significantly.

Within minutes from when he left the family, Harry lay peacefully on his cot in the highest room at the Burrow. His eyes were shut gracefully and he seemed to be sleeping peacefully when Ron walked into the room to prepare for bed.

_**--RW--**_

As he fell asleep, Ron felt a strange presence in the room; a presence that seemed to be growing. The idea registered briefly in the back of his head, but he was honestly too tired to do anything about it as he drifted off into sleep.

Later that night, Ron awoke to Harry's strangled cries in his sleep, screaming and begging for help. He looked over to see his best friend thrashing around, with a cocoon of highly visible light weaving its way around Harry, slowly expanding with each cry or shout. The light seemed to have an energy of its own and seemed to be throbbing with Harry's uncontrolled emotion. Ron had a fleeting thought, _Am I seeing his magic?_, before brushing it away and trying to approach the smaller boy to comfort him. When he took the first step away from his bed he gasped as the bubble of intertwined lights suddenly withdrew into his trembling raven haired friend and Harry's eyes snapped open in fright. The bright green of Harry's eyes was the last thing Ron Weasley saw before he crumpled onto the floor.

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**I hope you liked! Sorry it was on the short side. I just liked where it ended. **

**Please REVIEW!**


	3. Much to Learn

**Title: Learning to Love**

**Disclaimer: J. K. Rowling and associates own these characters. I am writing this for fun and not profit.**

**Rating: M **

**Pairings: Harry/Draco**

**Warnings: suicidal thoughts, abuse, homosexual relationships**

**Summary: Harry is suicidal and dangerously close to the edge as he loses control over his expanding magical powers. Draco finds himself loosing strength after suffering at the hands of his manic father. Can the two boys find hope where there seems to be none?**

**Chapter Three: Much to Learn**

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_**--HP--**_

Harry's eyes snapped open, focusing immediately on his best friend across the room. He felt a wave of cold, chilling air that had been swirling about him during his dream radiate from his body in violent waves. There was nothing he could do to control it, he hadn't realized the loss of control until he felt his magic escaping him. Harry had come to terms with the fact that the intense power he was feeling around him earlier that day was his own magic, and now it was Ron who had fallen gracelessly to the floor at the very sight of his brilliant green eyes.

He watched as his best friend lay chillingly still on the cold floor of the room. Fear washed over him as he heard loud footsteps rushing up the stairs. The door snapped open and Ginny froze in her footsteps at the sight of her brother on the floor and Harry leaning over him, a single tear forming in his eye. The other Weasleys and Hermione seemed to pile up behind the stunned girl, shock painted on all of their features.

"What happened?" Hermione was the first to speak up. She was visibly shaking and as she recovered from her initial shock she rushed to the fallen boy's side. She ran her hand over his cold cheek and terrified she tried frantically to find a pulse. The others watched fearfully from the door as she collapsed, sobbing onto the redhead's chest. "Please, Ron, please don't go," was all she managed to get out before she snapped, "What the hell happened Harry? Why is he like this?"

Harry just stared at her, focusing on nothing but keeping his wall intact. He didn't want to hurt anyone else, he just wanted to get away before anything worse happened. Two words came out, barely audible, "my magic."

Harry expected them to start attacking him with questions, but instead they were all too concerned with the fallen boy. To an extent Harry was quite thankful for this. He tried to focus on what his dream had been about, maybe it would hold the key to why this happened. It slowly started to trickle back to him, not the details, but the general idea.

He had been in the department of mysteries, fighting side by side with Sirius. He had relived his godfather's death. But this time it was different, and he knew what had changed with a flash of fear that 

chilled his very bones. When he ran after Bellatrix in his dream, he cast Crucio on her just as he had done that night. This time it worked. He watched her writhing around on the ground, tears forming in her eyes. That was when he woke up.

Harry was startled by the realization of both what he had done in his dream and also that he had been in the process when he woke up. He knew one thing. He needed to get away before anyone else got hurt.

With that Harry vanished from the room with a faint 'pop' as everyone gathered around Ron, trying to understand what had just happened.

_**--DM--**_

Draco awoke from his dream with a start. He was staring into the middle of his dark room, fear radiating from his lithe body. He gasped for air as his lungs filled with the cold air filling the room. He knew that his dream had been important, but he just couldn't remember what it was about. He shut his eyes tightly, focusing on the only thing that was clear from his dream – large, beautiful and intoxicatingly green eyes. He was sure that there had been more to the dream than these haunting eyes, however he could not for the life of him remember what it was.

Then it hit him with enough force to cause him to fall back onto the bed, staring at the ceiling watching the room spin as he remembered. Those were Harry Potter's eyes. Potter. He was in trouble, he had lost control or something and all Draco knew was that those imploring green eyes, completely devoid of their usual hatred had captured some small part of him.

Violently shaking his head Draco thought, _The dream was not of that nature._ Before standing and pacing his room, trembling as he tried to understand why he was seeing this version of his school-yard rival. He just realized that Potter was in trouble and he wasn't sure what he should do about it. That is until he realized exactly what he was fretting about, and settled back into his bed. _For Merlin's sake. It's only a dream!_ He thought as his head hit the pillow, but it didn't help him clear his head of the incident. The dream he was trying so hard to put aside had indeed been far more vivid than any dream he had ever experienced. It was a trying night as he tossed an turned, trying in vain to fall back asleep.

All he could think about was the beautiful green eyes that he had seen in his dream. _Since when do I think of Potter having beautiful eyes?_

_**--HP--**_

Harry appeared, seconds after his departure, cross-legged on a chair directly in front of Dumbledore, head buried in his hands still crying. His magic had not subsided and he found himself even less able to maintain the little control he had once maintained without thought. Dumbledore sat peering over his half-moon spectacles for several minutes, trying to process the sight in front of him. Never had he seen someone apparate through Hogwarts many wards.

Finally Dumbledore regained his voice and tried to console the lost boy in front of him. "Harry? What happened my boy?" he asked the dark-haired wizard so suddenly perched in front of him.

Harry looked up from his palms and was startled by the crystal blue that gazed back at him, never revealing the inner workings of the elder man's mind. Despite his inability to read the man, Harry broke down before him. He made every small worry apparent to his mentor. "Professor, I just hurt Ron. I was just sitting in the garden yesterday when I discovered how my power is no longer in control…" He began, his voice loosing control with the increase in power than he felt welling up once more, "then I pricked my finger… I found control, not much but some… can't even do Occlumency… can't keep the power in… managed during dinner… found a wall… I couldn't believe it, but I tried to deal with it."

"Harry, calm down," Dumbledore attempted to soothe the boy before him and draw the information out in a more clear way, "From the beginning please."

"But, it's Ron. I need to know if he's going to be okay. I did it to him, I need to know," Harry was all but shouting at the headmaster, despite the fact that only a couple months prior he had learned without a doubt that his passionate outbursts had no effect on changing the old man's decisions. Still, Dumbledore stood, walked to a small fireplace and vanished. Harry sat still, very frightened for what seemed like hours.

While Dumbledore was gone Harry tried his very best to return his magic to its rightful place – under his control. When he saw his elder reappear he was, however, overcome by a wave of grief at the grave features. The old man stepped towards the younger man sitting in front of him and placed a heavy hand on his shoulder. Emerald meeting Sapphire, the two sat there, each imploring the other to speak for many minutes. Finally the headmaster spoke, "Ron will be fine with time. He will likely not back to full health before the start of term banquet in two weeks time; however, he will make a full recovery."

With a sweep of violet cloth as the hem of his robes swung around the edge of the large mahogany desk, Dumbledore found his seat and settled in. He sat with his hands folded, elbows supported on the desk top and his chin perched atop the long fingers. His eyes bore into Harry as if he were reading Harry's very soul. "This was no doubt your magic that caused Ron the trauma."

It was more of a statement than a question, but still Harry responded, "Yes, sir."

"Well then, Mr. Potter, we find ourselves in need of some help do we not? We must teach you to control those emotions that so nearly cost you your best friend."

Harry just looked ashamedly at his hands, which were carefully folded in his lap. He suddenly realized with a pain that he had left the Burrow without a word to anyone and without explaining himself. They probably thought that he was trying to kill Ron. This thought shook Harry in a way that actually made him fearful of himself.

"The Weasleys, Hermione included, do not blame you for this. They understand." Dumbledore reassured Harry as if he could read the younger boy's mind.

Harry just shook his head. He didn't see how they could ever forgive him, and even if they did he knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that he would never be able to forgive himself.

"Harry. Please listen to me boy, nobody blames you. This is not your fault. We should have seen this coming. I knew you were going to gain power over the next year, but I had no idea that the changes 

would be so sudden." Harry's eyes slowly lifted back up to meet his headmaster's, confusion and a hint of anger spreading across his features. _He knew that this was going to happen to me?_ He thought bitterly as the old man continued talking, "Now all we can do is teach you to control the new powers and that may be a truly difficult task, for both of us."

At that very moment a much frazzled Professor McGonagall walked through the door into the headmaster's office. She appeared to be pulled straight from her bed as her long gray-brown hair fell half way down her back, held out of her face by a single rubber band. When she finally spoke it sounded as if she were holding back a yawn, "Professor, what is the meaning of this? What is so important that…" She trailed off and her head snapped around to see the boy sitting in front of the older man. She could clearly feel the ripples of power rolling off of him and her eyes widened, "It has happened then?"

With twinkling blue eyes, the headmaster simply nodded, a bright smile crossing his features.

Personally Harry did not understand what the old man was so happy with, he had injured his best friend without being able to control it and he was now here still with no semblance of control over these new powers. But Harry waited for the headmaster to speak.

"Minerva, if you will escort young Harry here to Gryffindor's flat. It should have appeared near the Astronomy tower. I'm sure he will be able to stay there without objection from this old castle." At this McGonagall's eyes went wide with surprise, apparently at something she heard that Harry didn't. Dumbledore turned to Harry, "For now I want you to sleep. Minerva will take you to a small flat where you will stay until we find a way for you to control your new powers."

Harry began to rise from his seat when Dumbledore interrupted his busy mind, "And Harry, please avoid apparating to, from or within the grounds. The hole you tore in our wards is going to be very difficult for me to repair."

Professor McGonagall was now openly gaping at the two wizards before her, she, like Dumbledore, had never heard of anyone managing to apparate through the many protective wards that surrounded the castle. This revelation simply added to the shock that she had endured upon feeling Harry's new power filling the room and Dumbledore's request to have the young man settled into Gryffindor's flat.

She quickly realized that her mouth was hanging open and snapped it shut, regaining the shreds that were once her composure and pulled herself together. She motioned for Harry to follow her, likely not trusting her voice, and lead him out of the old man's office toward the Astronomy tower.

When they reached what Harry swore was a blank wall just months ago they found a magnificent scarlet and gold door that was emblazoned with the name Godric Gryffindor in script across the top. The door appeared to belong there, next to the staircase leading to the Astronomy tower not standing out despite its grand appearance. Minerva approached the door and found that she was unable to touch the knob, let alone open the door and she pursed her lips, motioning once again for the young man to try.

Harry felt a wonderful surge of power as he touched the golden door knob, much like that he felt when he first held his wand. It felt like a part of him. He slowly opened the door, allowing himself to take in every part of the large room before him. The entire place looked like it was decorated to match the Gryffindor common room. There was a crackling fire surrounded by several poufs and a small couch on 

the opposite side of the room, on the near side, just to the left of the door was a kitchenette with a rich oak table. He crossed the room, mesmerized by the rich decoration and he reached out for the only other door in the room. He had a feeling he knew where this door would lead him, and as his professor slipped back out the entrance he entered while tugging at remaining clothing, letting it drop as he looked around the magnificent scarlet and gold bedroom.

It was just seconds before Harry collapsed onto the large four poster bed, collapsing into the calming feeling that overtook him when he stepped through the door to this room. He was finally slipping off into a peaceful sleep.

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**Please Review! **


	4. Holding Back

**Title: Learning to Love**

**Disclaimer: J. K. Rowling and associates own these characters. I am writing this for fun and not profit.**

**Rating: M **

**Pairings: Harry/Draco**

**Warnings: suicidal thoughts, abuse, homosexual relationships**

**Summary: Harry is suicidal and dangerously close to the edge as he loses control over his expanding magical powers. Draco finds himself loosing strength after suffering at the hands of his manic father. Can the two boys find hope where there seems to be none?**

**Chapter Four: Holding Back**

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_**--HP--**_

_Silver eyes gazed into his own, as he leaned forward closer and closer to the blurry face before him. He was so close that he could almost taste the sweet peppermint on his breath and he could feel the warmth against his lips. He breathed the scent and the moment in deeply enjoying the sensations that _

_Harry's eyes fluttered shut as he relished the warmth of the other person's body melting against him and the heat of the other person's breath on his lips. He couldn't remember ever having been as secure in his entire life as he was in this single moment._

_The kiss deepened as Harry lost himself in the feeling of the other person's lips covering his own and the movement of hands across his body. He jumped as he felt a warm, soft tongue slide across his bottom lip, eliciting a gasp from deep inside him. At this his own lips parted and the warm, muscular body pushed more solidly against him._

Suddenly, as if a bucket of ice water had been dumped over his head, the warmth was lifted from Harry's shaking body. His eyes snapped open, taking in his surroundings and having a difficult time adjusting to the unexpected findings. After a moment or two he came to the disappointing realization that those sweet silver eyes and the delicious warmth of their bodies pressed together was a dream. A wonderful, magical dream, but a dream none the less.

He looked around the unfamiliar room, sighing as he remembered everything that had happened the previous night. His head was throbbing, but for the first time in the past twenty-four hours he couldn't feel the loss of control that had been plaguing him. He just felt content. It was odd.

_It's not weird,_ Harry silently reprimanded himself, _I just got used to the feeling. This is normal._ And he clung to that thought as he paced his new rooms. He wasn't really sure what he was expected to do when he was in the castle before classes began. Still, he felt more at home in this magical old building than anywhere else that he had ever been. He sighed as he sank into the warm couch, curling up in front of the fire, staring into its depths. The fire was warm and only increased his sense of peace.

As the fire flickered calmly he thought back to the dream that he'd been so suddenly woken from. It had been so intimate and comfortable. He couldn't remember ever having seen eyes like that before, even though they looked so familiar. He couldn't remember who the dream was about, but he could certainly feel the effects of the dream coursing through his viens. He knew that it wasn't normal for him to wake up feeling so melancholy due to the loss of a dream.

No. Harry was more the type to wake up sweating as if he'd run a mile to escape the tragedy of his dreams. He was not the type to have a peaceful dream in which he felt safe and loved. For no reason at all the feeling of calm left Harry more worried and confused than most of his nightmares.

Lost in his thoughts, Harry didn't hear the knock on the door until it was a persistent banging that rattled the hinges of the door slightly. He pulled the door open and saw Professor Snape standing impatiently in the hall, one hand still raised as if to strike the door once more. The greasy-haired man lowered his hand and stepped across the threshold, easily side stepping the younger boy. Harry looked at the man, slightly perturbed, but he quickly got over the intrusion. He had, after all, been expecting this visitor. Who else would be teaching him how to raise the shields around his mind? But it didn't change the sinking feeling that he got, knowing his record for being able to learn from this man. It wasn't good.

_**--DM--**_

Draco Malfoy arose the next morning with no memory of the dream that had awoken him the night before. He felt shaken and confused, as if something of consequence had just happened under his nose, but he didn't remember a thing.

He got himself ready for the day slowly, relishing in the warm water of his shower and the minty taste of the toothpaste. When he went to get dressed he pulled the doors open and stood in front of the lines upon lines of freshly pressed and hung clothing in nothing by a small white towel. He languished in every moment of this day. It was the first that he had felt up to acting every bit of the aristocrat that he was, and he was determined to enjoy it.

He never did understand why his father would bring him up to take pride in appearances, nice things and of course in his ability to exceed the abilities of others if only to take those teachings away through the beatings. It made no sense to him why a man who valued appearance and status above all else would beat his son to the point of marring the physical beauty. Draco was simply thankful that he was blessed with magic, so he would heal these wounds quickly. He would be mortified if his friends ever saw him like he had been the past few weeks. It was not dignified.

When he finally selected his outfit he made his way down to the most peaceful room in the house – the library. Draco loved to sit in the massive library in the Manor and page through the tombs, taking in ancient ideas and new spells. He was not, as many at school thought, as interested in the dark magic as he was those spells that connected people. The human interactions described in many of the rituals were completely unfamiliar to Draco, possibly because he'd never really been able to trust someone on the level that these forms of magic required.

He always got lost in thought during his hours in the secluded room, imagining how his life could be different.

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_**--HP--**_

Hours had passed in which Harry was showing no signs of improvement. He couldn't block Snape out of his mind the previous year and he was not faring much better now. Quite the opposite, he was loosing control of his magic quite rapidly. Snape was only infuriating him to the point he let out a deep growl and the sound emanated pure magic potential.

Snape flinched as the scalding magical anger swept over him, burning him to the core but leaving no visible markings. He had tried to explain to Harry what the magic seeping out of him was, but Harry didn't really understand how or why he was, for lack of a better explanation, leaking magic. He was also not sure if he wanted all of it trapped inside of him. He'd worked so hard to open up to his friends and allow himself to show his emotions that he felt by bottling up his magic he would be cutting himself off from his friends.

After hours of practice Harry sat back in his chair, folded his arms across his chest and closed his eyes. What happened next shocked both of the men. Harry felt a rush of warmth and realized that the swirling potential had found its place once more. Neither man understood how or why it had happened, but Harry felt that it had something to do with Snape's relenting. Harry smiled to himself and hoped with all his heart that this would mean their session was through.

"What did you do?" Professor Snape asked, with only a hint of the curiosity that he was feeling.

Harry opened his eyes, shaking his head lightly, "I have no idea, I just closed my eyes and then it all flowed back into me." He looked imploringly at his unwanted mentor, hoping he'd find some answers in the cold black eyes but instead he only gathered more confusion. The other man, for the first time in Harry's memory, looked utterly bewildered. It was suddenly very clear to Harry that this was another thing that was going to make him different. He had held a hope that this palpable magic was a natural part of maturing, that he was just suffering more than other people tended to; however the Professor's eyes shattered all the hope that remained. Harry felt the anger welling up inside him again as he snapped, "I'm never going to get this down on my own, even Professor Dumbledore and yourself have no clue what is going on."

"Mr. Potter, just because we are unfamiliar with your _condition_ does not mean we don't know what is going on. This is something that you, once again, must be willing to work on. I have seen your stupid pride and your refusal to work with me; however, as Dumbledore has to prepare for the return of your insolent classmates I am stuck with you." The Potions Master's voice was silkily dark and dangerous. His eyes flashed with momentary anger, before he seemed to realize that provoking the younger boy was not a smart thing to do at the moment.

_**--DM--**_

Draco wandered down the long street in Diagon Alley, peering into each of the novelty shops as he passed by them. He knew that he was no longer shopping productively, as he had only managed to get half of his school supplies in the four or five hours that he'd spent in the magically concealed area. He was taking his time because he felt comfortable, once again surrounded by the voices of other people. He would never admit to missing the presence, as he was one known for being cold and reserved, but he did none the less.

He passed by a small shop that was hardly noticeable among the ostentatious shop fronts surrounding it; however it caught his eye. There were beautiful gems glittering in the window of the shabby shop. He was surprised that he had never seen the small shop before, as he tended to take his time in the magical oasis, but the thought was fleeting and he quickly made his way to the entrance.

He pulled the door open, admiring the charm of the bell as it announced his entrance. He looked around, admiring the beauty of the gems set in various pieces. He intended to do just that, admire the jewels and move on, but just as he was preparing to walk out the door a particular piece caught his eye, much like the shop did originally.

"If you wouldn't mind," Draco spoke up, gaining the shopkeeper's attention, "I would like to look at this piece right here." He pointed through the glass casing, showing the young man what he desired.

"Very nice choice. May I enquire as to the occasion?" The young shopkeeper enquired quite politely as he pulled the item out of the cabinet. Draco smiled, not really wanting to talk partly because he was asking himself the same question.

"No occasion," he drawled, as he reached a hand out to the pendant hanging from the shopkeeper's hand. He cradled it in his palm, the delicate silver dragon glittered in the dull light of the store, it's ruby red eyes seeming to glow as he moved it slightly in his hand.

The shopkeeper's eyes were the only thing that gave away his surprise, he took the pendant back from Draco's grasp and carefully wrapped it up in a small black box.

Draco paid the man and left the small shop with a satisfied smile on his face. He wasn't entirely sure what he wanted to do with the gem, but he did know it was going to be special. He completed the rest of his shopping in peace, preparing for his final week back in the manor.

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**I am sorry that it took so long for this chapter to come out. I got busy with work and volunteer hours recently. **

**Please Review, I really want to see what people have to say. I get messages when you add this to your lists, and I wanna know what you're thinking of it!**


	5. Back to School

**Title: Learning to Love**

**Disclaimer: J. K. Rowling and associates own these characters. I am writing this for fun and not profit.**

**Rating: M **

**Pairings: Harry/Draco**

**Warnings: suicidal thoughts, abuse, homosexual relationships**

**Summary: Harry is suicidal and dangerously close to the edge as he loses control over his expanding magical powers. Draco finds himself loosing strength after suffering at the hands of his manic father. Can the two boys find hope where there seems to be none?**

**Chapter Four: Back to School**

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_**--DM--**_

Draco Malfoy got on the train that year before most students had even arrived at the station. He holed himself up in one of the empty compartments, watching as his peers and their families gathered around the platform. He watched a blur of red make its way through the many heads, toward the front of the train. The Weasley family always stood out in a crowd, even when only five were present.

He watched the Weasley's for a while as they said their good byes and marveled at the way their mother fussed over Ron. If he hadn't known better, he would say that she thought he was facing some sort of danger at the castle. He felt torn between wishing his mother would show the same affection towards him, and disgust at the outward emotions that were so vivid in the group.

It took him several long minutes of staring at the group before he noticed the conspicuous lack of a certain dark-haired, green-eyed wizard. The absence of his rival, the boy whose glittering eyes had been haunting his dreams, startled him. He wondered if he'd really witnessed something happening to Harry and a brief flood of fear washed at his insides. He closed his eyes tightly, trying to change his thought process, but it was of little use. He stared back out the window, distracting himself once again with the mob of people filling the platform and continued his futile search for the raven-haired boy who haunted his dreams.

Several hours later Draco woke with a start with an uncomfortable pinching sensation shooting down his spine from his stiff neck. He wasn't immediately certain how long he had been asleep, but he knew from the colorful sky that it must have been quite a while. He realized that he was still alone in the compartment and stood to find his fellow Slytherins before they arrived at the school.

He was every bit as distracted walking down the long hall as he had been while people watching on the platform, so he barely noticed when he bumped into a taller figure near the middle of the train.

But the angry voice of Ron Weasley broke his train of thought, "Oi! Watch where you're going Malfoy!"

"Sorry Weasley." He drawled, trying to hold back the question that he needed answered, but failing, "Where is Har—Potter?"

Ron's eyes flashed with something that confused Draco, but he didn't think much of it at that moment, as the red head became obviously surprised by the question. "Why do you care?" The other boy growled dangerously and Draco decided to take a typical Malfoy defense – cold indifference.

"Clearly I do no care, I merely noticed an absence of your leader. After all, it is like seeing a disembodied shadow." He walked away, wishing he hadn't had the encounter at all before slipping into the compartment where his friends were sitting.

_**--HP--**_

Harry woke early on September first, looking forward to company closer to his own age. He had enjoyed the lessons that he had with Dumbledore, but the time spent with Snape was less than enjoyable. The man was far more tolerable than he'd been in the past; however, the time was still tense with him in the room.

Today, Harry felt, he was ready to face people again. He'd been nervous about the prospect the previous day, but now he was sure that he could handle it. Last night he had spent several hours sitting in his mentor's office, focusing on the control of his energy. He had shocked both the elder men when Dumbledore asked him to try some simple magic with neither spell nor wand. They worked on honing in this ability, finding that it only extended to those easiest things to pull off. He made Dumbledore's instruments fly around the room, landing neatly in their original places, and he managed to summon the Marauders map from his room.

Finally they focused on building his walls against magical overflow, as they felt it would be dangerous to attend the feast if he didn't master this control. It took several different ideas to find one that would work. The easiest, according to the two older men was the one which Harry failed most horribly - they first tried to get him to use Occlumency. It appeared that Harry would never master that ability to close his mind.

Following many failed attempts they taught him several spells to control this power and to calm his nerves, but finally it was Harry who discovered that if he focused on his patronus memory, he could maintain even enough emotions to control his powers.

Beyond the direct lessons, the three men had discussed steps to take for several ends. They talked about the need to unify the four houses, things that dealt with managing Harry's connection to the Dark Lord, and even some more about possible interpretations of the prophecy. Some of what Dumbledore told him was difficult to understand and swallow; however, he trusted the penetrating blue eyes. Most importantly, according to the two elder men, he had been asked to befriend his rival. This had been a difficult issue for the men to convince Harry on, yet in the end Harry had realized that he didn't need enemies within the school, so having Malfoy in a place where he could be trusted would simply take that worry from his mind.

_**--DM--**_

The air as Draco stepped off the scarlet steam engine was chilly and moist. It was a welcome reminder that the summer was coming to a fast close, and it caused Draco's spirits to rise; he figured that things must be better at Hogwarts than they had been at home this summer.

The ride up to the castle was uneventful as a whole, but as they approached the daunting structure Draco felt warmth emanating from the castle that was not the normal emotion evoked by the castle's looming figure. He had always connected the feeling to safety and felt drawn to the strange warmth. Not understanding the reasons, Draco quickly pushed the thought from his mind – he was not one to accept confusion.

Walking into the warm castle he unconsciously began to gaze around for a certain green-eyed peer who had eluded him throughout the journey to the school. He didn't realize that was his goal until his eyes settled on the dark haired youth across the long tables. Harry walked across the hall with a distinct sense of purpose in his eye, and lacking some of the normal emotion that typically filled the sparkling eyes. Draco watched as the other boy took his place at the Gryffindor table, sitting stiffly and eyeing his friends with a slight apprehension, as they appeared frightened by the sight of him.

The strangest part of Harry's entrance, however, did not go unnoticed by the blonde. He realized immediately the change in the temperature of the hall, as it had warmed him to the very tips of his toes. Furthermore, the enchanted ceiling began to clear when Harry entered, as if his presence was all that was needed to clear the skies of their gloom but as he took in his friends looks the clouds returned just a dark as before. It seemed strange that the emotion that was hidden from the other boy's eyes was found in the room as a whole.

_**--HP--**_

Harry found that things were indeed tense at the Gryffindor table. He had been one of the last students to arrive, simply because he had lost track of time, and when he found his normal seat next to his best friends he couldn't help but take in the apprehensive looks that they were continually shooting him. He did understand what they were concerned about; the last time that they'd seen him he had seriously injured Ron and then vanished from the room only to break through the wards at the school and appear suddenly in Dumbledore's office. Furthermore, he was certain that the adults would not have told the two of them all that Harry was going through.

All things considered, the three friends were able to fake a comfortable meal, successfully deterring any questions about the strange rumors that had circulated that summer. They instead caught up with their house mates and made a silent pact to avoid the subject until they were alone.

As soon as Harry finished his food, he kept an eye carefully trained on Dumbledore, hoping that the elderly man would find it fit to make his closing speech soon. Harry was starting to become exhausted and he was afraid if he became too much more sleep-deprived that the fragile walls that he had built up to contain his free magic would begin to crumble. He didn't like the ideas that followed that path.

"Welcome," Dumbledore's deep, magically enhanced voice echoed out across the four long house tables, "Welcome to another year at Hogwarts. I'm happy to see all the new faces among us, as well as the many returning students. It is always a great pleasure to see so many smiling faces. This year I am thrilled to introduce our new Defense against the Dark Arts professor, returning after two years off, Professor Remus Lupin."

Harry looked up at the last connection that he had to his parents, unable to keep the grin off his face. He had spent the last part of the break seeing the headmaster on a daily basis and was living in the castle, yet he had not been privy to this information. He really didn't mind too much though, after the previous year of not being trusted with anything he saw this as more of a surprise than an offense.

The old man was still standing before his school, beaming out across the student-filled tables, sparkling blue eyes resting on Harry momentarily as the raven-haired boy shifted uncomfortably. He knew what was coming up in the headmaster's speech. Just as Harry was contemplating just what he would tell the student body he noticed the headmaster's smile fading. The old man took a deep breath and tried to continue.

"As you all undoubtedly know, this year is likely to be much more trying than those previously. Voldemort returned over a year ago, and it appears that he is becoming more open with his power." Gasps of shock filled the room, not so much at the fact he was back, but rather at the sound of the name. "As such, I must request that you all are on your best behavior. You will be in no immediate danger as long as you follow the school rules. There will be no tolerating students who take it upon themselves to wander the halls after hours and any student found near the forbidden forest will have to deal with myself personally. These rules are for your benefit and no one is above them." The old man gave his students a small smile, trying to reassure them; however, most looked terrified.

Harry was also glancing around at his peers, he knew that they had all heard stories from when the dark lord was in power previously, and some had lost family and friends already. He felt the fear in the room, not really registering that he was feeling the emotions of those around him, but rather believing that it was his own. He shuddered slightly as the gaze of the many students flitted between Dumbledore and himself, as if silently looking to the person who had now faced their fears, and survived, twice.

Harry felt himself being pulled by the emotions of the room, noticing the changes in the ceiling above him, and stood with a swift movement. He looked out across the room with a sad smile on his face, as if to acknowledge the truth of Dumbledore's words, and without thinking he locked eyes with a pale face across the hall, molten silver melting with emerald green for a mere moment. He gasped internally in a dawning comprehension before nodding his approval of the headmaster's words and exiting the hall in a billow of black robes worthy of the potions master.

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**Hmmm... I am really sorry this one took so long to get out. I don't really like it as much as I thought I would, but I've been working about ten hour days for the past two weeks and have had family in town... both put a stop to the writing.**

**Please Review!**


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